"Your a weirdo," you smirk, and there's a glint in your eyes as I glance up, and I don't know what to say.
"Yup, biggest one your ever gonna meet," and I keep working, while knowing that's the lamest reply I've ever heard come out of my mouth.
Then we get dismissed, and I walk as fast as I can, tearing up all the while.
-today, 3rd period.
"If Ryan has something to say to me, then tell him to say it to my face. Also, why doesn't he say it to my face," I ask, determination, and an edge to my voice.
"He's scared he will get punched by you," he says, hesitant.
"Where'd he get that idea," me, already knowing.
"Me," slightly scared, almost questioning himself for saying.
I think, I would never do that, and I never would.
-today 4/5y period.
You can't tell me who I like, you can't tell me if I hate you or not, and I do. You can't tell me I'm sad or optimistic.
You definitely can't tell me who I am. Try and I may just punch you then, if it's super distasteful.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
You are driving me insane!
How can I miss the very one who destroys me?
Right now I'm missing my old best friend :( :/
I'm totally insane, she's the reason I have nightmares every night.
The reason I cry for no reason.
The reason I hate part of myself.
She's part of the reason I'm self conscious.
The reason I am who I am!
The reason I'm scared of the "silence."
The reason I love winter, and at the same time terrified of snow killing me in cold.
The reason I am scared of everything, and everyone.
The reason I don't think I'm good enough.
The reason I don't try to acheive my high standard goals because, I don't think I can, because, I am not good enough!
The reason I want to scream!
-from my living dreams/nightmares.
Right now I'm missing my old best friend :( :/
I'm totally insane, she's the reason I have nightmares every night.
The reason I cry for no reason.
The reason I hate part of myself.
She's part of the reason I'm self conscious.
The reason I am who I am!
The reason I'm scared of the "silence."
The reason I love winter, and at the same time terrified of snow killing me in cold.
The reason I am scared of everything, and everyone.
The reason I don't think I'm good enough.
The reason I don't try to acheive my high standard goals because, I don't think I can, because, I am not good enough!
The reason I want to scream!
-from my living dreams/nightmares.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Why don't you speak?
Why don't you speak? You scringe at the sight, and crawl hopelessly away. She grins just a bit and lets out a demented laugh. One, two, three, and I count the tears that fall onto the floor from your face. I stare at them on the floor, and I slowly look back up to your face. The shock on my face quickly turns into a determined fierceness. You glare at me hopelessly even though you don't have a reason. Your just pleading for someone to save you, and speak for you.
-from my dream/nightmare
P.S I never mentiontioned but, at the end of some paragraphs I've written from my dream/nightmare, that's kind of like a signature, telling a story. I don't know why I put that, I just think it fits perfectly.
-from my dream/nightmare
P.S I never mentiontioned but, at the end of some paragraphs I've written from my dream/nightmare, that's kind of like a signature, telling a story. I don't know why I put that, I just think it fits perfectly.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
True Love
True love, I think it only comes once.
you hear a knock on the door, nobody answers
another knock,
"who is it?"
"true love"
That's a lie, "true love only knocks once!"
True love only comes once, don't let it go once you have found it.
How do you know? It comes within time, you'll just know.
Do I believe in love at first sight? Sorta. I think you will feel a strong pull towards them.
If it's not love at first sight but, you love them now does that mean it's not true love? No, again nothing is certain in this life. Were not even guaranteed life and freedom. Think about that, and how true it is.
Another thing, we can lie to people and tell them if you don't like someone, but, you can't lie to your heart.
OH...MY...GOD! I never knew how to finish this post, well, because, I never knew the best way to explain. Now I do!
But, I asked my best guy friend Brennan. "What do you think love is?" "How do you know when you think you've found your true love?"
He thought about it for a long minute and said,
"Well it's the way you feel the moment you see them, the way your heart beats faster when you see them, and the way you stutter and feel the urge to kiss them when your talking to them."
"oh my god, your genius! That's so true too! I think that's why I'm making impulsive desicions latley because, I haven't seen him in awhile? What do you think?"
"Yah, you guys have only seen each other once this week. That means you love him though."
I freaked out! I've never thought of it like that, and it's sssooo true! I was really impressesd too. I just, never thought he could think of it like that. I wonder when he had the time to think of it like that?
I guess I could of googled it but, it just wouldn't of seemed right.
I think Brennan is right, and maybe it explains alot for some people.
you hear a knock on the door, nobody answers
another knock,
"who is it?"
"true love"
That's a lie, "true love only knocks once!"
True love only comes once, don't let it go once you have found it.
How do you know? It comes within time, you'll just know.
Do I believe in love at first sight? Sorta. I think you will feel a strong pull towards them.
If it's not love at first sight but, you love them now does that mean it's not true love? No, again nothing is certain in this life. Were not even guaranteed life and freedom. Think about that, and how true it is.
Another thing, we can lie to people and tell them if you don't like someone, but, you can't lie to your heart.
1 week later
OH...MY...GOD! I never knew how to finish this post, well, because, I never knew the best way to explain. Now I do!
But, I asked my best guy friend Brennan. "What do you think love is?" "How do you know when you think you've found your true love?"
He thought about it for a long minute and said,
"Well it's the way you feel the moment you see them, the way your heart beats faster when you see them, and the way you stutter and feel the urge to kiss them when your talking to them."
"oh my god, your genius! That's so true too! I think that's why I'm making impulsive desicions latley because, I haven't seen him in awhile? What do you think?"
"Yah, you guys have only seen each other once this week. That means you love him though."
I freaked out! I've never thought of it like that, and it's sssooo true! I was really impressesd too. I just, never thought he could think of it like that. I wonder when he had the time to think of it like that?
I guess I could of googled it but, it just wouldn't of seemed right.
I think Brennan is right, and maybe it explains alot for some people.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
A growing ambition.
When you have the anger nothing is impossible.
But honestly I don't think it's anger that's inside of me that's waiting to pounce. I think it's ambition, and a fiery passion. To be special, mean something big in this world, be important, a leader! That's it, I want to be a leader. A leader to what? I'm not exactly sure but, I want people to look up to me. I already am a leader but, I want more people to see that.
"Do you really wanna argue and fight," you ask, a hostility in your voice?
"No, I want to lead world war 3, if that's what it takes," I say, and it's only the truth.
-from one of my dreams/nightmares
I've now just figured out, what I've always wanted. I always think to myself and wonder, "What is it that I want?"
Now I know, I want to be a leader. I am now, but, there's more to it then you will ever know.
But honestly I don't think it's anger that's inside of me that's waiting to pounce. I think it's ambition, and a fiery passion. To be special, mean something big in this world, be important, a leader! That's it, I want to be a leader. A leader to what? I'm not exactly sure but, I want people to look up to me. I already am a leader but, I want more people to see that.
"Do you really wanna argue and fight," you ask, a hostility in your voice?
"No, I want to lead world war 3, if that's what it takes," I say, and it's only the truth.
-from one of my dreams/nightmares
I've now just figured out, what I've always wanted. I always think to myself and wonder, "What is it that I want?"
Now I know, I want to be a leader. I am now, but, there's more to it then you will ever know.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Different
"Theres something different about you," he says uncertain, of what it means.
"Your right, theres a edge to me now, I'm determined, and you can see a desire in my eyes. I'm fierce and I'm scared of destroying the very thing that I love," the hard edged reply comes from me!
His eyes widen, he's never heard anything like that come from me. Nor has he heard that tone.
"Um, what do you mean," he asks, a growing fear in his eyes?
"It means, I'm strong willed, determined to fight for what I believe in, will stick up for it, I've got a growing ambition, and power inside of me. The thing is though with it, I'm scared of destroying the person I love most."
"And who's that?" he asks, scared of my answer.
I ponder over it. I am different. I am not that little girl who can't stick up for what she believes in and hold her head up high.
I'm not that girl who is worthless, stupid, ugly, or who can't think for herself. I've got a voice and I speak my opinion to the world.
I want to tell the world what I really think. Tell them who I am and what I really I'm going to do. I really want someone to listen too!
No, I'm not hateful, I'm not even exactly what you'd call mean. I guess, I really am what you would call different. I have the guts to post to the world what I'm thinking and feeling when I can't even tell my mom that I'm selfconsious and feel bad about myself. I guess I've heard before that it's easier to talk to random strangers who don't care than to people close to you and they do care. I think that's weird but, you know, intresting? Maybe I just think to much? Wait, let me correct that, I know I think to much! Hahahah, sometimes it's a good thing, and a bad thing.
"Your right, theres a edge to me now, I'm determined, and you can see a desire in my eyes. I'm fierce and I'm scared of destroying the very thing that I love," the hard edged reply comes from me!
His eyes widen, he's never heard anything like that come from me. Nor has he heard that tone.
"Um, what do you mean," he asks, a growing fear in his eyes?
"It means, I'm strong willed, determined to fight for what I believe in, will stick up for it, I've got a growing ambition, and power inside of me. The thing is though with it, I'm scared of destroying the person I love most."
"And who's that?" he asks, scared of my answer.
I ponder over it. I am different. I am not that little girl who can't stick up for what she believes in and hold her head up high.
I'm not that girl who is worthless, stupid, ugly, or who can't think for herself. I've got a voice and I speak my opinion to the world.
I want to tell the world what I really think. Tell them who I am and what I really I'm going to do. I really want someone to listen too!
No, I'm not hateful, I'm not even exactly what you'd call mean. I guess, I really am what you would call different. I have the guts to post to the world what I'm thinking and feeling when I can't even tell my mom that I'm selfconsious and feel bad about myself. I guess I've heard before that it's easier to talk to random strangers who don't care than to people close to you and they do care. I think that's weird but, you know, intresting? Maybe I just think to much? Wait, let me correct that, I know I think to much! Hahahah, sometimes it's a good thing, and a bad thing.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Hurt that shows in the eyes
When I'm hurt, sad or mad, about to cry, you can see it in my eyes. They turn dark blue, and watery.
You can tell easily when I'm hurt. That was today. That sorta friend I have wishes me dead. What kinda friend is that? Wait that isn't a friend. I was sick yesterday, and that's when she said thank god if I was dead. 2 people told me that. I don't care if she isn't a close friend because, it hurts no matter what! Were not friends now at all. I haven't been able to look at her for the last 4days. The worst part about it is I have to sit by her in all my core classes but, one. So I stare at the walls facing opposite directions from her.
How do you deal with being hurt by some one you thought was your friend?
I didn't before, but I'm gonna learn to, because, no one can stand to see me like this! One of my actual best friends could tell and he's trying to cheer me up. It's not working, but I put a fake smile just to make the world feel better. When you do though, does it hurt others or just yourself in the end?
You can tell easily when I'm hurt. That was today. That sorta friend I have wishes me dead. What kinda friend is that? Wait that isn't a friend. I was sick yesterday, and that's when she said thank god if I was dead. 2 people told me that. I don't care if she isn't a close friend because, it hurts no matter what! Were not friends now at all. I haven't been able to look at her for the last 4days. The worst part about it is I have to sit by her in all my core classes but, one. So I stare at the walls facing opposite directions from her.
How do you deal with being hurt by some one you thought was your friend?
I didn't before, but I'm gonna learn to, because, no one can stand to see me like this! One of my actual best friends could tell and he's trying to cheer me up. It's not working, but I put a fake smile just to make the world feel better. When you do though, does it hurt others or just yourself in the end?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
When it all comes crashing down
When you feel hopeless, you get a knot in your stomache, and you think your gonna throw up and die.
What is it like when you have friends but, not a true one? I would know that and the feeling is horrible.the only kinda true friend is, One that loves everything about you, one you can trust no matter what, one you can cry on their shoulder, one you know who would do anything for you. I used to have that years ago and it hurts without one. I have many friends but, they aren't ones who would do any of those things for me. Well they would some of them, but, they aren't "true" friends. I guess they are close but, it's not enough. I feel alone in a world that when things get hard, it's just me.
Today for example I have a friend and she is fun to be around but, she's more of what you would call "popular." She hates it when I say that word though. She won't even be seen with me around her "popular" friends. She isn't one of my closer friends but, I have to spend alot of time with her in my core classes.
Today she got mad at me for what reason I don't know why, and she said she was gonna tell people my secrets. Not like I tell her anything that important though. I'm sure she told people them though because, they were all eager to hear. *eye roll* Then 20minutes later she tried to act like my friend again, and I just kinda cocked an eyebrow at her for like 2seconds, shrugged, and walked to my next class. It hurts and she thinks I'll forgive her all the time, and it's not fair to me.
Next class was even more hell. (If there is such thing?) I don't think people understand. The only person who can really tell when something is wrong is my old best friend from years ago. I don't know how, but I'm not sure if it bothers me or not. The question I ask myself the most is if I died who would miss me the most? If anybody, who? Then I think, it does matter. I think about all my goals that I'm gonna accomplish! It's just something I gotta do! If I don't accomplish my goals for life, then there is no point to life!
What is it like when you have friends but, not a true one? I would know that and the feeling is horrible.the only kinda true friend is, One that loves everything about you, one you can trust no matter what, one you can cry on their shoulder, one you know who would do anything for you. I used to have that years ago and it hurts without one. I have many friends but, they aren't ones who would do any of those things for me. Well they would some of them, but, they aren't "true" friends. I guess they are close but, it's not enough. I feel alone in a world that when things get hard, it's just me.
Today for example I have a friend and she is fun to be around but, she's more of what you would call "popular." She hates it when I say that word though. She won't even be seen with me around her "popular" friends. She isn't one of my closer friends but, I have to spend alot of time with her in my core classes.
Today she got mad at me for what reason I don't know why, and she said she was gonna tell people my secrets. Not like I tell her anything that important though. I'm sure she told people them though because, they were all eager to hear. *eye roll* Then 20minutes later she tried to act like my friend again, and I just kinda cocked an eyebrow at her for like 2seconds, shrugged, and walked to my next class. It hurts and she thinks I'll forgive her all the time, and it's not fair to me.
Next class was even more hell. (If there is such thing?) I don't think people understand. The only person who can really tell when something is wrong is my old best friend from years ago. I don't know how, but I'm not sure if it bothers me or not. The question I ask myself the most is if I died who would miss me the most? If anybody, who? Then I think, it does matter. I think about all my goals that I'm gonna accomplish! It's just something I gotta do! If I don't accomplish my goals for life, then there is no point to life!
Friday, November 11, 2011
11/11/11? Wishes
Today is 11/11/11. Everyone keeps reminding me to make a wish at 11:11 and 11 seconds. Would it help if I did? I wonder. Today in class they told us to make a wish and what exactly did I wish for? I'm not even quite sure? Should you wish for something when your pretty darn sure you already have it?
If you had one wish what would you do with it? Waste on someone you thought you loved but, didn't truly even care about? Use it to be better than others, and so they'd be envious of you? Use it so you could have something? Change something about yourself? But what would the point be in that? You can't be proud of yourself and say you accomplished something.
What would I wish for is what I truly wanna know? I should know but, I don't think I would really wanna change anything about my life.
Today has been crazy! O.o That question has been racking my mind, out in search of an answer but I can't seem to find one. So I've been drawing, writing my story, writing poems, and planning for what I'm gonna do.
Also today just seems long but I have to stay up til 11:11pm. I don't know why but, I just feel like I need too! I want time to be able to sort things out. My mind is constantly thinking about everything. From the simplest things to things people never even think about. I just feel that's there so much to learn and that theres more to life than this simple little one that I live. I haven't found myself and I feel the need to go searching to find the "me" that I am. I feel like people dress me up to be a person I'm not but, why does it seem hard to show people, me? Is that something to wish for?
If you had one wish what would you do with it? Waste on someone you thought you loved but, didn't truly even care about? Use it to be better than others, and so they'd be envious of you? Use it so you could have something? Change something about yourself? But what would the point be in that? You can't be proud of yourself and say you accomplished something.
What would I wish for is what I truly wanna know? I should know but, I don't think I would really wanna change anything about my life.
Today has been crazy! O.o That question has been racking my mind, out in search of an answer but I can't seem to find one. So I've been drawing, writing my story, writing poems, and planning for what I'm gonna do.
Also today just seems long but I have to stay up til 11:11pm. I don't know why but, I just feel like I need too! I want time to be able to sort things out. My mind is constantly thinking about everything. From the simplest things to things people never even think about. I just feel that's there so much to learn and that theres more to life than this simple little one that I live. I haven't found myself and I feel the need to go searching to find the "me" that I am. I feel like people dress me up to be a person I'm not but, why does it seem hard to show people, me? Is that something to wish for?
Monday, November 7, 2011
Questioning everything
Do you ever question everything? Life? Why we are born? Do you believe in God? What am I meant for? Someone told me last weekend at my Grandma's funeral that our destination is to die, we are born to die. And what I said, was nothing! That is not me but, what was there really to say to that. It just got me thinking, and questioning everything. I am confused now. Why was I born? Do I believe in God? No I don't think so. How can I when he only brings me pain, and sorrow. He doesn't just make me suffer, he makes everyone around me suffer. People all around the world.
But, my biggest question, what am I meant for? Why are we born if were only meant to die? That just doesn't make sense. We all need a purpose in life but, I don't see it.
That also brings me to the smaller things in life?
Why do I smile now?
When I only frown later?
Why do I laugh now?
When I always cry later?
Why am I happy now?
When I'm sad later?
But, my biggest question, what am I meant for? Why are we born if were only meant to die? That just doesn't make sense. We all need a purpose in life but, I don't see it.
That also brings me to the smaller things in life?
Why do I smile now?
When I only frown later?
Why do I laugh now?
When I always cry later?
Why am I happy now?
When I'm sad later?
Friday, November 4, 2011
first post, first blog.
This is my first blog, first post and I'm excited actually. I've been wanting to create a blog for along time but everyone said it is a bad idea. So I've decided to do it anyways and I wasn't quite sure what to write about but, I really want to help people with their problems and maybe writing about my experiences will help others. I'm open to any suggestions.
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