Blogging realization

I just want to say sorry. I wasn't a 100% sure what a blog was. I thought about it, and I don't want to make a blog purely about my life. I sound conceited, and it's not the real me. I wanted to start a blog to help people, and all I've done is most likely annoyed the crap out of you all.
The reason I want to help people, is because I want to be a psychologist. So, might as well start now.
I'm going to start a new blog, and when I do, I'll post a link to my new site. :)

It's the words I was never gonna speak aloud

There's two things I promised I'd never say aloud. Especially in text form. So when you asked for me to tell you, I knew it was something you couldn't ask, it was almost impossible. Except for the fact, that it was just my choice...
So, when you said you didn't feel like she was your mother, I wanted to puke in your exaggeration. Of course she is, and you do love her.. Theres a difference in our situation. I don't love either of them, and I rather not speak the vile words of calling them mom, and dad.
So, when you said you didn't want to tell me because, it would hurt my feelings, I always replied saying, I knew something worse.. Which is true, I do, and what I knew was something worse than anything else. I still tell myself theres nothing worse that could compare. Which I don't think there is

There's two things I promised I'd never say aloud. The second thing is something that wasn't sad. I don't know if you'd call it embarassing or hilarious.
So, when I told her the thing I promised I would never, I was embarassed, and almost ashamed. Her reaction.. was laughing, telling me that's hilarious. And, of course, once you share a secret, it's no longer a secret.. I made her promise she wouldn't...
So, when she told Ethan one of my bros, it just made everything awkward. Hahah, oh gosh, today was ridiculous in class. I confronted him about knowing, and we both had freak attacks... He says.. that he guards secrets with his life. Let's put it to the test then Ethan.

Readers?

     Just a thanks to anybody who does read my blog.


     I know I probably don't have many viewers but, I just want to thank you, to the people who do, and it means so much to me. If anyone has any ideas for me, please do comment.

No one can tell me who to be, and how to feel.

    "Your a weirdo," you smirk, and there's a glint in your eyes as I glance up, and I don't know what to say.
    "Yup, biggest one your ever gonna meet," and I keep working, while knowing that's the lamest reply I've ever heard come out of my mouth.
     Then we get dismissed, and I walk as fast as I can, tearing up all the while.
                                                                                                                          -today, 3rd period.


     "If Ryan has something to say to me, then tell him to say it to my face. Also, why doesn't he say it to my face," I ask, determination, and an edge to my voice.
     "He's scared he will get punched by you," he says, hesitant.
     "Where'd he get that idea," me, already knowing.
     "Me," slightly scared, almost questioning himself for saying.
     I think, I would never do that, and I never would.
                                                                                                                           -today 4/5y period.


     You can't tell me who I like, you can't tell me if I hate you or not, and I do. You can't tell me I'm sad or optimistic.
     You definitely can't tell me who I am. Try and I may just punch you then, if it's super distasteful.

You are driving me insane!

   How can I miss the very one who destroys me?


  Right now I'm missing my old best friend :( :/
I'm totally insane, she's the reason I have nightmares every night.
The reason I cry for no reason.
The reason I hate part of myself.
She's part of the reason I'm self conscious.
The reason I am who I am!
The reason I'm scared of the "silence."
The reason I love winter, and at the same time terrified of snow killing me in cold.
The reason I am scared of everything, and everyone.
The reason I don't think I'm good enough.
The reason I don't try to acheive my high standard goals because, I don't think I can, because, I am not good enough!
The reason I want to scream!

                                                                              -from my living dreams/nightmares.

Why don't you speak?

       Why don't you speak? You scringe at the sight, and crawl hopelessly away. She grins just a bit and lets out a demented laugh. One, two, three, and I count the tears that fall onto the floor from your face. I stare at them on the floor, and I slowly look back up to your face. The shock on my face quickly turns into a determined fierceness. You glare at me hopelessly even though you don't have a reason. Your just pleading for someone to save you, and speak for you.

               
                 
                                                                                                         -from my dream/nightmare

 
                             P.S  I never mentiontioned but, at the end of some paragraphs I've written from my dream/nightmare, that's kind of like a signature, telling a story. I don't know why I put that, I just think it fits perfectly.

True Love

True love, I think it only comes once.

you hear a knock on the door, nobody answers
another knock,
"who is it?"
"true love"
That's a lie, "true love only knocks once!"

True love only comes once, don't let it go once you have found it.
How do you know? It comes within time, you'll just know.
                   Do I believe in love at first sight? Sorta. I think you will feel a strong pull towards them.
                   If it's not love at first sight but, you love them now does that mean it's not true love? No, again nothing is certain in this life. Were not even guaranteed life and freedom. Think about that, and how true it is.

              Another thing, we can lie to people and tell them if you don't like someone, but, you can't lie to your heart.

                                1 week later

                   OH...MY...GOD! I never knew how to finish this post, well, because, I never knew the best way to explain.  Now I do!
   
                   But, I asked my best guy friend Brennan. "What do you think love is?" "How do you know when you think you've found your true love?"
                   He thought about it for a long minute and said,
             "Well it's the way you feel the moment you see them, the way your heart beats faster when you see them, and the way you stutter and feel the urge to kiss them when your talking to them."
             "oh my god, your genius! That's so true too! I think that's why I'm making impulsive desicions latley because, I haven't seen him in awhile? What do you think?"
             "Yah, you guys have only seen each other once this week. That means you love him though."
             I freaked out! I've never thought of it like that, and it's sssooo true! I was really impressesd too. I just, never thought he could think of it like that. I wonder when he had the time to think of it like that?
            I guess I could of googled it but, it just wouldn't of seemed right.
            I think Brennan is right, and maybe it explains alot for some people.